Why is saying no at work so difficult? Because it's human to want to help! We want to please, to be seen in a positive light, to be considered as competent, hardworking and dedicated and we are afraid of not being appreciated otherwise. This is even more true when having just joined a company or when aiming for a promotion.
Yet in some circumstances a well-justified “no” is better than a counterproductive “yes”. Say no also means exercising one's freedom: free to choose, free to decide, free not to be passive. Knowing how to say no, when turning something down is legitimate, is as important as knowing how to assert yourself, prioritize your work, know your limits.It is also key to avoid finding yourself in delicate situations leading to frustration, stress or even failure.
So why is it so important to say no? And how do you learn to say no without hurting your interlocutor or fearing being frowned upon?
Saying no: it’s tough ... but critical
There are very legitimate fears behind our difficulty to say no. Will I be accepted if I go against the grain? Will I disappoint my team? Will I still be well regarded if I decline something? Will I sound hurtful or too individualistic if I refuse to help someone in difficulty?
Fear of the judgment of others, fear of not being up to the task, fear of not being appreciated ... These are all fears that make us say yes even when we know we are unable to adequately respond to the request.
Yet saying yes systematically is not a solution. Very often it is even the best way to disappoint, to create false hopes. Succeeding in saying no is also what allows you to say yes more with more confidence. Far from selfishness and ill will, saying no is above all a pledge of:
- Common sense. Saying no to that colleague who needs last minute help when you yourself have important tasks that need to be completed Saying no to a very late meeting on a weekday when there is no real urgency. There is nothing exaggerated or foolish in your refusal. Because you feel these things would be totally counterproductive.
- Sincerity. Why say that you can return this file three days before the scheduled date when it is technically impossible, given the workload that this requires? To say no is sometimes to be realistic. Being upfront saves time and makes you more reliable.
- Role-related expertise. By saying no, you are telling the other person that you know your limits, that you know how to protect yourself. If you work in a small start-up and your manager asks you to manage the end-of-month closing because the accountant is on sick leave, to say no is simply to be aligned with your mission.. You know you don't have the skills to meet expectations; to pretend otherwise would be unprofessional.
- Self-knowledge. Are you drowning in work and still being asked for more? You know that by accepting you are running the risk of a burnout.
Using common sense, being transparent, knowing one’s limits and respecting each other are all attitudes that help to better manage requests and expectations.
If you feel you are right, don’t be afraid to disappoint others and keep your thoughts to yourself. When used correctly, saying no can even help you gain credibility.
Saying no also means being in line with your personal values, avoiding being manipulated or doing missions against your will. If changing the numbers in a contract without telling the parties doesn't feel right, it’s probably because it isn’t. It is therefore preferable to decline and dare to assert your values of integrity and honesty.
How to say no?
Start by training yourself by spontaneously declining insignificant solicitations. For more complex situations, on the other hand, saying no requires a minimum of preparation.
Here are four tips to learn to say no without stressing out:
- Take some time to think about the situation: listen to your intuition and weigh the pros and cons. There is no rush, your interlocutor can surely spare a few minutes to let you think.
- Formulate your answer with rational arguments. A justified “no” will always be understood. Your decision must therefore be based on tangible facts that will help the other person to understand your decision. You're refusing to take part in yet another meeting that takes place just before your big annual presentation? Don't settle for a simple "I can't". Explain that you are currently working on the presentation which requires a lot of concentration and that you need this time to prepare yourself and do your job well.
- Set clear rules for yourself. For example, you can force yourself to say no:
- When you can delegate
- To “urgent” requests which are not really important
- Unprepared Meetings, meetings with too many guests, or unrealistically long meetings
- Don’t overthink the possible reaction of your interlocutor. Use your arguments to get rid of the guilt. What are you particularly afraid of? To disappoint, to be criticized, rejected, or to be seen as incompetent? Take a step back from the situation. Refusing a deadline because it seems impossible to you will surely have no impact on the way you are perceived within your team.
This approach will allow you to say no with more confidence. Remember, however, to use diplomacy and empathy when doing so: transparency and rudeness are not the same thing! Don't hesitate to adopt an open posture, offering alternatives, and encouraging discussion. Don't imply that you will say no to every next request.
Next time, you'll be happy to say… yes!